I Love You 90 Percent of the Time

photoBeing a mother is the most toppling experience in the world. Watching a child grow and nurturing this little thing that started as a parasite in your body is mind altering to say the least. Yes, I said parasite.

Parasite: A plant or animal that lives on or in another, usually larger, host organism in a way that harms or is of no advantage to the host. ~Encarta Dictionary, 2010


My experience of child rearing and the 10%/90% ratio of realistic expectations breakdown:

1. Cleanliness of home
Ahhh, so nice to sit down in a nice clean space./This house is f^@%ing disgusting

2. Cleanliness of self
I got to shower today!/I need a f^@%ing shower

3. Cleanliness of child
You smell so yummy I could eat you up!/You have f^@%ing poop everywhere again

4. Parenting books
This sounds like it’s just the thing I need!/There is no f^@%ing way this is going to work, I can’t believe I wasted so much of my precious quiet time reading this

5. Advertisements geared towards parents
How refreshing to see a realistic family in an advertisement./There is not one f^@%ing realistic thing about the pictured family

6. Co-parenting
I love you so much, I could never do this without you./I am going to lose all my f^@%ing hair, where the hell is the other parent!?

7. Work/life balance while maintaining your 40 hour a week job
There is no such thing as work/life balance if you are working this much, sorry no ratio for this one!/This is a f^@%ing nightmare, I am never going to get all of this done

8. Your sleep pattern
I slept for 6 hours straight!/I haven’t f^@%ing slept for three days!

9. You child’s sleep pattern
OMG! She took a 4 hour nap!/Why are you still f^@%ing awake!?

10. General child behavior (this one is nice)
OMG! I am going to go ape shit on this kid/That was f^@%ing adorable

And the last, but most important summary of all things baby:

90%: I am so f^@%ing in love with my sweet little parasite, she is perfect
10%: This parasite is leeching my soul, I have no idea what I was thinking.

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